Tragic

So.
My cousin committed suicide last week.

Why did he do it? No idea, I wish I knew. That branch of the family moved to Queensland, (The other end of Oz) years ago and I hadn't seen him in many years.

The philosopher in me thinks we could have talked it out, were we still in contact.
The realist in me knows that you can't stop someone who really wants to top themselves.
The cousin in me feels nothing but guilt, which I often do when it comes to family matters.

I don't have a lot to do with my bloodline, as we know. When my father called with the news I sat stunned for awhile, then waited for the tears.
Three days I waited, they didn't come.
This has happened before. When my grandfather died, (I was about 6 I think) I did exactly the same thing. I waited to feel sad because that's how you're supposed to feel, right? Then when the flood of tears didn't come, I just felt guilty.

Am I psychotic? Do I really not have access to normal emotions? Or am I just so incredibly self involved that I can't really feel anything which doesn't happen directly to me?
Who knows.
All I know is that I am one cousin down.
I hate to think how his mother and two younger brothers feel.

I guess mental health issues DO run in my whole family. A depressive father, a bi-polar sister and who knows how many other issues faced by other family members.

I wish I knew what I was supposed to do about this.

Goodbye Alan. I don't understand why you did what you did, but I DO understand that there are times in life where it seems like the best option. I guess the void was preferable to whatever was going on.

I tell you one thing. If this turns out to be someone's fault...
Start running now.

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